Social Anxiety Part 2
How to work with social anxiety
‘Work with’ is the key term because you can work with not get rid of anxiety in such a way that you can rewire your brain slowly with practice, patience and compassion to be less threatened and triggered by certain situations in general, therefore, experience less anxiety as a whole, along with manage those situations in which you are triggered with anxiety more skilfully.
3 Pronged Approach
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Education & Self-awareness
Daily Practice
In Vivo: Working with it directly
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1. Education and Self-Awareness: Breaking down anxiety
Congratulations, you have already done much of step one as you have read the above. Learning about anxiety and social anxiety will help tremendously because we are less fearful of that which we understand.
““I have no idea why I felt like that, it just happened out of nowhere””
The clue is in this classic statement. Whilst it may seem like anxiety just happens out of nowhere it normally arises at the end of a chain of events such as thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and environmental aspects that have passed by unnoticed.
We have to take it upon ourselves to develop a more intimate, open and compassionate enquiry into our experiences from moment to moment. So cosy up to your anxiety, get to know it well, learn how it works and manifests rather than waiting till 3 pm at the team meeting when the wheels fall off to suddenly check in with how you’re feeling. Begin the day by checking in with how you're feeling and begin to work with your experiences there and then.
What is your experience?
YOUR EXPERIENCE = YOUR SENSES
(SIGHT, TASTE, TOUCH, SOUND, SMELL)
+
YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND EMOTIONS
IN THE HERE AND NOW. NOT BEFORE, NOT LATER, RIGHT HERE.
It’s fitting that the spectrum of your experience is represented here by a circle of colour. This is your world. This is what you can directly know, experience, and come into contact with.
Whilst the world is indeed happening around you and whilst it may be true that there is a person eating a bagel and drinking coffee in New York right now, you cannot directly know or experience this for certain (unless you are that person in New York eating a bagel, drinking coffee and reading this blog). You can be directly certain however of what you directly experience in this moment via this spectrum of your experience.
Learning to recognise the different elements of your experience in the moment has two key benefits. The first is by recognising how much proportion or percentage of your awareness, energy, time, effort, attention and value you place on a specific element of the spectrum of experience. You may find that you relate more with the 2nd illustration below which shows a disproportionate amount of value, time and attention on thoughts, with other aspects of the human experience barely having a slither of life.
This points immediately to both a problem and a solution. In its most simplistic form, we are out of balance in terms of where we distribute our awareness by living predominantly in the mind and disconnected from the other spectrums of experience. How much of life passes by through being consumed in thoughts? Anxiety is like a hungry ghost hunting all the time and its food of choice is thoughts, it can never get enough.
If we forget our aim for one second of being less anxious, more resilient etc and just consider the notion of balancing out the spectrum of experience by placing more emphasis on the senses, the proportion of life lived in thoughts is reduced. So even if we do away with the goal of becoming less anxious and replace it with the goal of becoming more connected, anxiety will reduce as a bi-product, almost like a free gift. This can be established by developing a regular practice of mindfulness, specifically the body scan meditation which you can find here. I recommend doing one in the morning before you get going and one in the afternoon.
The 2nd benefit is that separating the components of your experience by itself can also provide some relief from anxiety as you will gain a sense of understanding. I suggest writing your experience down at times. It’s not rocket science just simply write 5 titles:
Environment: the “trigger” e.g. the thing that’s happening “out there”, a text invite to a gathering/team meeting/sat next to a person on a bus we feel sexually attracted too etc
Thoughts: What the story or theme spinning around your mind?
Feelings & Emotions: How do you feel? Scared, guilt, sad?
Physical Sensations: What do you notice in your body? tension? short breath? heat?
Behaviours: the changes in your behaviour in response to your thoughts and feelings e.g. avoid the team meeting, don’t make eye contact with someone etc
Underneath each title write a brief description what you notice. You can do this at any point in the day but it will help to start with when you are feeling worried about something or even after you have been worried about something, so looking at it retrospectively. If you would like a printable help sheet for this click here.
What to do with what you find?
There are many things you can do with what you find that will be described below. Firstly, as we are in step 1 and the education/self-awareness section it’s important to have an understanding and go a little deeper with these things called, ‘Thoughts’, how they work, what they are, and what types ca be unhelpful. It may be the first time you have ever even considered such an enquiry I mean, how often do you go around and question what is a thought?
There are some key points you need to know about thoughts that may indeed blow your mind:
Thoughts are automatic.
You don't have conscious control or choice of what comes into your mind. For example, whatever you do now, try hard not to think of a yellow banana? See… Stimulus i.e. these words = response; the thought in your mind.
React vs Respond
The great thing is whilst we can't choose what comes into our mind, we can have autonomy over how we respond to what we experience in our mind. This is the concept of learning to respond rather than react.
It’s just a thought!
We then can understand that thoughts are just thoughts, they are not necessarily fact, solid, permanent, or truth. For example, think of your favourite food? Imagine it in your mind's eye right in front of you now, the smell, the colour, the flavour, now compare that to the experience of actually having it right in front of you. There is an ineffable difference between our conceptual awareness i.e. our thoughts about experiences and our sensory awareness i.e. the direct, actually lived experience. The thing is when our thoughts are emotionally charged e.g. the thought, “I’m such a failure”, it feels as if it sticks to us like glue and we take it on board much like if we said our thoughts about our favourite food is the same thing as the food itself.
Recognising these characteristics of thoughts, seeing them more as mental events than solid or permanent can give us the necessary space to work with them. It undermines their weight and significance and is the first step in placing the reigns back in our hands.
Unhelpful thinking habits
So now you have an idea about thoughts it's now useful to check out and look for types of biased/unhelpful thinking habits. Click here to download and read through an important list of unhelpful thinking styles which throw fuel onto the fire of anxiety. If these really strike a chord with you click here for more detailed versions. The aim is to watch out for these types of thoughts and begin to challenge them as they arise rather than let them spin their webs until an anxiety catastrophe happens. A method to do this is explained in step 3 but for now, it’s important you find some time at to read about these unhelpful thinking styles so you know what to look out for and simply begin to notice them in everyday life.
2. Daily practice: Soothing the fretted nervous system holistically
So what actually causes the anxiety of speaking up in a group of people? Is it the opportunity to talk? Is it the person who we fancy in the group? Is it the fact that we had 3 coffees today so our nervous system is haywire? Is it the fact we skipped lunch and now our blood sugar is low? Is it because we went down an obsessive rabbit hole of thoughts all day and never checked in to challenge or self-soothe? Is it because we were programmed in our childhood by an authoritarian parent to respond with our threat system? Is it because society praises those who are constantly busy and burn themselves out by living off adrenalin so we have decided to follow suit?
All these can be true therefore we must work with anxiety holistically and seek to soothe are fettered nervous systems as a whole. And yep, here comes the classic stuff we all know is good for us but, often fail to incorporate. This stuff isn't astrophysics but sometimes the easiest to apply is the easiest to neglect.
Reduce caffeine intake: Caffeine is a stimulant. Stimulants excited, that is elevate the nervous system. As we have been exploring how the nervous system regulates anxiety it is worth monitoring the amount of caffeine we consume. Caffeine is found in both coffee and tea. Coffee however, has larger amounts. Reducing the amount of caffeine we consume can then reduce the amount the nervous system is activated and therefore, reduce the symptoms of anxiety. Choosing decaf options can be one way of reducing the over all intake of caffeine and drinking more water will help the brain stay hydrated. We are made up of 70% water and caffeine acts as a diuretic and can dehydrate us. I’m a huge coffee fan so I now buy decent decaf ground coffee (my recommendations is the Co-op’s own fair trade brand). I some times blend this with caffeinated coffee so I get a half and half and therefore a reduction in caffeine. If you have ever tried to abstain from caffeine for a while you may recognise that your brain can sometimes function better and is more productive without stimulants. This because the quality of your awareness is less “frantic” and is capable of resting its attention on one task at a time. Have you ever noticed when your wired you can sometimes get lost in doing lots of things at once and not really getting anything done? Not to mention high levels of caffeine in the body can keep us awake which takes us onto the importance of sleep and rest.
Improve sleep hygiene: (Caffeine obvs!) No phones or TV’s in the bedroom and have some quiet time before sleep. Have a bath before bed the heat causes the nervous system to relax and therefore the body loses it's wound up tension built up in the day. Cut out alcohol if you are using it sleep. Don't work or work on your laptop late at night. All these things excite the nervous system making it harder to sleep.
Exercise: there’s no need to climb Everest or run a marathon, just move, go for walks, find a class, anything but move the body. The nervous system stores energy which manifests as anxiety so shake that shit off. If you watch animals after they have been threatened they shake. Be wary however of intense exercise late at night as this will take a while for the nervous system to reduce.
Nutrition: Eat a healthy balanced diet. Lots of vegetables, plenty of water, avoiding refined foods. A diet that helps with inflammation is ideal because if we suffer from chronic anxiety it elevates the amount of cortisol in the body which is a catabolic (breaking down) hormone and high, consitant levels is linked to all sorts of health issues IBS, fatigue, arthritis, and heart disease. (Mind check: can you spot any unhelpful thoughts right now after having read this? Any catastrophising? What if thinking?)
A daily mindfulness practice: Working with the breath is the ultimate skill of self-soothing the nervous system. The breath is accessible at any point in the day. Practising mindfulness daily will be instrumental in rewiring your brain to feel safer for longer. Not to mention you will learn to navigate your own experiences more skilfully as you develop a non-reactive, compassionate awareness that can hold all sorts of difficult experiences with a sense of balance and equanimity.
Spend time in nature: Go out and feel the air on your face, smell the rain, feel the trees, watch the birds, the clouds, feel the lakes and the mountains. Find a place where you can see and feel the horizon where it's not obstructed by concrete and metal. Feel that spaciousness! It is the antidote to the narrowing of anxiety and sadness. Nourish that soul people!
Counselling and Psychotherapy: Regular sessions of therapy help replenish those conditions which may have been neglected in childhood that will have likely had an impact on the formation of anxiety early on in life. In doing so, it can help you feel safe to explore your anxiety and difficulties and your experiences in childhood intimately, in a safe and supportive environment.
REST: Rest is not important, it’s essential. The famous psychologist Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs model place the fundamental human physiological needs at the base of a pyramid from which all others sit on top such as, love, belonging, esteem and self-actualisation. Rest provides a base along with air, water, shelter and food from which everything hinges upon. Rest is as vital as food and shelter.
“Without rest, we cannot grow. ”
— JAMES B. R. HARTLEY
3. In vivo: working with anxiety in the moment when it happens
A key element with this is not to avoid situations whereby we feel triggered by anxiety. Each time we decide to avoid a social anxiety-provoking situation our brain thinks, “Ah ok, I feel better so that means to feel better I must avoid the things that feel discomforting”. This becomes a newly learnt behaviour. If left unchecked our anxiety can go to the extreme form of finding everything fearful and stopping you from doing what you want in life. Sitting through discomforting experiences the brain learns, “ah ok.. that was tough, but hey I made it, things are hard at times but, I have resilience”. This is a drastically different learnt behaviour which only facilitates more resilience in the face of anxiety. Need I say if you are in actual danger to get yourself safe.
The Juicy Stuff
Social anxiety-provoking situations paradoxically are our opportunity for growth. This is where the juicy stuff comes up to the surface and it becomes easier to spot the very things that maintain and strengthen anxiety. Those unhelpful thinking habits listed earlier will almost certainly arise, along with our in-built resistance so we can look out for these and if possible make a mental note or even better, write down the types of thoughts, feelings and physical situations we are experiencing in the moment.
We can decide to challenge them directly there and then or come back to these later.
How to challenge anxious thinking and unhelpful thinking
So the very first step is to use our awareness to become sensitively aware of when we are suffering in the moment with social anxiety. We can then pause and ask ourselves gently, “What’s the story here?”, “can I spot any unhelpful thinking habits?” Here’s an example below.
Step 1 - Catch the thoughts and write them down
“I always mess up!”
“I bet they think I’m weird”
“I’ll never be able to do it”
“I shouldn't feel like this!”
“I am such a failure”
Step 2 - Label the unhelpful thinking habits you can find and select one which feels the loudest, the hottest, or most difficult. The one that's really whizzing round and is normally provoking a lot of fear.
“I always mess up!” - All or nothing
“I bet they think I’m weird” - Mind reading
“I’ll never be able to do it” - Predicting the future
“I shouldn't feel like this!” - Should and musts
“I am such a failure” - Self-critic
Step 3: Then look for the evidence which supports or confirms that thought to see if it is accurate or not, and write it down. Here are some helpful questions you may wish to ask yourself and write answers
What evidence is there that this thought is true?
Am I assuming things?
Is this the only possible explanation?
Is this completely true all of the time?
When I'm not feeling so bad what do I think?
When I've had this thought before what did I think that made me feel better?
Are there strengths or positives I am ignoring?
Step 4: What evidence can you find that does not support this thought? Again, consider asking yourself these useful questions
Is there an alternative explanation?
Have I considered both sides of the story?
Do I have the full facts?
What would I tell a friend if they were in the same situation?
What would a friend tell me?
Now, by this point in this blog, you may be feeling tired. There is a lot here to digest. This process may seem long-winded but hey, things don't happen by themselves and doing the same thing every day and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, so said Einstein and he was pretty smart fella. The process of challenging thinking is recommended to written out to begin with, rather than in your mind. You may have to do this repeatedly a few times but after a while, this new behaviour of yours of challenging your thoughts starts to become a learnt behaviour. We begin to reprogram the brain. The brain is an amazing learning machine so it starts to self learn and create a habit. This habit becomes hard-wired in our unconscious so that eventually we get to the place where the same situation may happen and it automatically incorporates this process without much effort so we become more efficient at navigating anxiety and thus, experience it drastically less if at all.
Self Soothe: There is no such thing as an indulgence when it comes to kindness!
Compassion and kindness to ourselves and others is the biggest antidote to suffering and requires an article by itself (which will happen at some point) but, it also deserves a seat at the throne next to awareness. Awareness without compassion is just another chain to whip yourself with. Criticizing yourself for having anxiety specifically in the moment when it's sat right on your lap not only perpetuates and escalates anxiety but, paralyses you to remain where you are in terms of the possibility of learning from the situation and changing. Its self-compassion i.e. being gentle with yourself, forgiving, kind and accepting of your humanity that enables you to learn from the situation. In addition, and perhaps a huge addition, is kindness itself is simply a wonderful antidote to anxiety. Ultimately what we are talking about here is Self-compassion.
Suffering + Kindness = Compassion
Self-compassion is one of the most overlooked and undervalued faculties available in human beings but this is now changing. What was once considered a flaw in the ‘dog-eat-dog’ mentality is now considered to be one of the underlying secrets to success. This is reflected in the world of science as new psychological approaches which are underpinned with self-compassion are backed up by peer-reviewed scientific research. A lot of this has to do with the influence self-compassion has on resilience. Self-compassionate people spend less time punishing, criticizing, and blaming themselves for their flaws and have the tendency to reframe their mistakes and failures as opportunities to learn and grow. Not only this, people who practice self-compassion also reduce their engagement in activities associated with negative mental states, unhelpful behaviours and avoidance strategies. There are three components to compassion:
Self-Kindness
The ability to treat ourselves gently with acceptance, kindness and love rather than being punishing, self-critical and self-judgmental in the face of difficult circumstances and life events.
Common humanity
The ability to recognise that our experiences, circumstances and life events are part of being human. That troubles are something that we all share, rather than being over-identified with and alone in one's suffering.
Mindfulness
The ability to step back in our experience and view our emotional landscape non-judgmentally, rather than without awareness allowing ourselves to be consumed by and over-identified with negative states of thinking and feeling such as guilt, shame, anger and sadness.
What may being self-compassionate look like when we are socially anxious?
When you find yourself caught up in a whirlwind of anxiety try this for a few minutes:
1. Stop: whatever you’re doing, take a break.
2. Notice: your breath and body
3. Fous: on your breath and body for a while and give yourself permission to soften bodily tension, breathe in an unconstricted, smooth and gentle way, and give some space to the fear, dont try and push it away.
4. Wish: yourself well - place your hand on your heart and say, "I notice am having a difficult time right now and that’s ok - may I be well, may I soothe myself, may I be gentle with myself, may I remember that everything doesn’t need to be fixed right now, may I love myself, may I be kind to myself right now” You can edit these words to suit what feels right to you.
I’m sorry if you were hoping for a quick fix. This self-help guide is quite a lot to digest in itself and really, is only scratching the surface.
You may of noticed I have not really touched upon what may have contributed to developing anxiety in early life e.g. life experiences, loss, attachment styles and past trauma which all can influence our present experiences and anxiety levels. These are big topics that deserve there own article to be fair and to glance over them, wouldn’t do them justice.
On an optimistic note, If Aaron Beck the great Cognitive Behavioural Therapist was here now he would say that the things that cause difficulties arent always the things that maintain them here and now. So whilst we may have had past trauma the difficulty we experience from this arises where? in the present. This guide can help you work with the here and now.
““All difficult things have their origin in that which is easy, and great things in that which is small””
— LAO TZU
That’s my favourite Lao Tzu quote. The great philosopher was right and you know this too. How many times do we hear “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and “Everest wasn’t climbed in one great leap” and yet, sometimes expect ourselves to accomplish so much so soon. Small steps, small changes, constantly will effect great change. This is contrary to what most people seek as its only human to want the quick fix, but quick fixes tend to be skin deep.
If you feel that you would benefit from support in this process I would recommend trying some therapy. The great thing about therapy is that what arises in life arises in the therapy room. You are sat there with another person so the elements of social anxiety are bound to arise which is great because we get to work with it, in vivo, in the moment. Not to mention you may wish to explore the reasons why you developed social anxiety in the first place as mentioned earlier. Maybe you grew up with unsupportive, punitive parents? Maybe you were bullied at school? Maybe you experienced trauma which is re-traumatised in social situations? All these are worth exploring in the safety of a therapy room with a trained and registered therapist.
In addition, I have only briefly mentioned mindfulness here. I would always recommend learning how to establish a mindfulness practice by going on a mindfulness course but ensuring this course is led by an accredited teacher who has met the standards set by the UK Network for Mindfulness-Based Teacher Training. Mindfulness is essentially the sharpening of a tool. That tool is your mind and your capacity to reflect and discern. This mind of ours is the very thing that is present (although sometimes not) in everything we do, every decision we make, the actions we take from the moment we wake until we fall asleep. Learning mindfulness allows us to be awake to this experience. It is the ultimate freedom and choice. It will speed up your processing time and improve your capacity to be self-aware, self-compassionate. and make changes.
This blog is a rough guide and a guide is a good description. A guide is something that helps you navigate but there is a difference between knowing the map and walking the terrain, and the walking can only be done by you, my friend.
I hope you have found this self-help guide useful in at least pointing the way. Good luck with experimenting with some of the tools. Since writing the blog I have become more aware of my own feelings of discomfort around people and it's been a welcome reminder to work with my own experiences in the moment. I’ve noticed how when being with people sometimes I am eager to close the conversation down as there is a subtle discomforting emotional (not physical) gurgling in my belly. I decided to sit with this and do nothing other than see what happens. Funnily enough, I have found myself being calmer, more connected and loving to myself and others as a result. Seems it's true this practice what you preach stuff! Be sure to comment and please give it a share. I wish you well and remember…
“When all else fails, be kind. ”
— JAMES B. R. HARTLEY
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