Jealousy
I was recently invited to contribute to an article being published in the quarterly magazine Psychology Now vol 3. You can view the article here however, below is my original piece of writing quoted in the article on the topic of Jealousy.
Anything can trigger jealousy. Jealousy is a primal and unpleasant emotion to experience which was developed by evolution as part of a spectrum of emotions designed to keep us alive called, 'The Threat System'. The Threat System's job is to ensure our survival. For example, when we see our partner talking to someone else we may feel the emotion of jealousy. This emotion alerts us to the threat to our relationship, which in turn is a threat to our own survival. Jealousy can manifest towards other things beyond the classic example of relationships such as jealousy towards another person's good fortune e.g. new job, car, lifestyle and we feel like we're missing something, feel bitter and wish we were more fortunate like them or even worse, wish their luck would run out.
Jealousy is synonymous with anxiety. Some anxiety is helpful in life as it motivates us to work towards meeting our needs for survival. If we had no anxiety about our relationships and the way we live, we would become completely indifferent and neglect our daily needs. So some jealousy, therefore, is helpful as it keeps us on our toes to work hard on our relationships etc, however, jealousy like all emotions can become unhelpful, even dangerous, when experienced more on the extreme spectrum.
The degree to which we experience jealousy depends on our own security or insecurity e.g. feelings of "I am ok" or "I am not ok". People who experience high degrees of jealousy also tend to suffer from a high degree of insecurity and feel that their safety in the world depends upon something outside of themselves, for example, "I'm only ok if.... my partner promises to never leave me", "I'm only ok if... I'm doing 'better' than those around me".
When living from this place a person's self-worth, their sense of safety in the world hinges on something other than themselves, which is a dangerous method because we are ultimately putting the power of our own happiness in the hands of something we have no control over. Hence, why jealousy tends to lead people to become coercive, manipulative and controlling, as they seek to control the external factors which are influencing their internal sense of wellbeing.
A high degree of jealousy as an adult can be originally influenced by developmental childhood experiences when a parent or caregiver fails to provide adequate unconditional love and safety to a child, either through an indirect traumatic event such as a sudden bereavement e.g. a loss of a parent or direct abuse from one's caregivers. Growing up in such a scary environment a person has no other option to find sources of love and safety and can do so creatively by becoming dependent on external sources of self-worth e.g. relationships, wealth, accomplishments, albeit, useful in terms of adapting for survival as a child yet, as an adult can be experienced as childish behaviour destined for drama, pain and sadness.
As mentioned before, jealousy is an unpleasant emotion to experience and is synonymous with anxiety so we may feel anything from discomfort or uncomfortableness to racing thoughts, insomnia, sickness in our stomach, sheer panic and even depression when we suffer from chronic jealousy.
If you are looking to overcome jealousy it's worth working with a professional therapist to understand where your jealousy comes from e.g. unmet attachment needs in childhood which can be repaired as an adult in therapy, or perhaps explore strategies for boosting your sense of independent self-worth versus codependence on people and things, such as the practice of mindfulness an self-compassion.
If you're suffering from jealousy in a romantic relationship there is no quick fix. People often profess how much they love their partner but, it's worth thinking about love versus attachment. The former being the greatest expression of unconditional well wishing and the latter, the practice of objectifying a human being like an object for possession. A useful exercise to help with this is the following gloomy thought experiment. If you were to, unfortunately, succumb to a freak accident and suddenly die how would you want your partner to carry on living their life? What would you want for them in your absence? Does the thought of them living their life with another person, even having children with them and being happy without you trigger a pit in your stomach? If so it's worth asking yourself, do you want your partner to be truly happy because true love for another is the total and unconditional (rather than conditional) wish for the recipient of your love to be genuinely happy, with or without you. Sadly, some peoples jealousy can even stretch into the afterlife as they crave their partner to never leave them even after they die, however ironically, missing their chance to experience what it's like to truly and unconditionally love their partner here and now. Learning how to love and accept another person unconditionally ironically, doesn’t have a huge amount to do with the other person. Our capacity to love and accept another ultimately depends upon our capacity to truly and unconditionally love and accept ourselves and that, I am afraid, is a lifelong journey of discovery that we all face, a worthwhile pursuit for which therapy was created, and which some people including myself would call the purpose of life.